Ugh. I hate these kinds of awful decisions. I've been reading up on vaccinations for a while now and have heard all sorts of horror stories from both sides. I've talked to many many other parents who have looked into all possibilities and statistical likelihoods and made many many varying decisions from getting their kids totally covered to being selective and delaying to forgoing any shots at all. They all have their well thought out reasons but it doesn't change the fact that I have to make this decision for my daughter. (Well Jason and I).In the beginning... Right after Tessa was born my mind was pretty well made up that I did not want my perfect daughter injected with dead disease cells and harsh chemicals so that she might escape her one in ten billion chance of catching things like Hepatitis B or Polio. But then we went to the doctors and were prodded with subliminal shocks of guilt and shame that we would risk our dear child's life when it was so simple a decision. Especially when "there is no real evidence linking vaccines to these purported serious sides effects" and since "you can find anything you want to on the internet". I didn't feel like I had much if any straight forward facts and numbers pointing me to the exit. I was locked in. I still am.
So, Round one.... We did delay her first round of vaccinations till she was 2 months and then only did the two of the four recommended shots. It was an incredibly hard thing to be a part of. Consciously putting our little girl in harms way but possibly keeping her safe from things like potentially fatal whooping cough. That day passed, as days do, and Tessa exhibited no side effects except for a couple of sore legs and a bit of lethargy.
Round two.... We had specifically asked not to have any vaccines with mercury in them and were assured that none of the shots had anything of the sort. But when we showed up to the appointment and asked a third person they said perhaps the HIB did have a bit, maybe. We delayed until someone from the state medical so and so got back to us and told us no, the HIB shot did not contain mercury. She was given round two of Pediarix and Prevnar, one a combo of dTaP, Hep B and polio and one for Pneumococcal (Pc) along with the HIB. We declined the flu and the Rotavirus vaccines. Hours after her shot she began to scream, a high pitch, non-stop scream. She wouldn't open her eyes and she wouldn't nurse. She was rigid and inconsolable and it scared the crap out of me. She screamed till she passed out and would wake up, without opening her eyes, and begin to scream again. When I called the doctors office I spoke with a nurse just about to head home and she said if it kept up into the night to take her to the ER and tell them she was having a reaction to the dTaP.
I began to google and lost it. Whole websites with people gushing horror stories related to dTaP. Here is what Dr. Goodvax was refering to when she told me I could find "anything" on the web. It drives me up the wall when Jason turns his persistant headache into a brain tumor just by following a few too many flashing prompts down the rabbit hole but here I was. I did not want to turn the situation into anything worse than it was. But it wasn't good. Then Tessa got better. Even by the time Jason came home that night she was almost back to normal. I, on the other hand, a little traumatized.
Those were her last shots, at four months old. She will be ten months this week and in the doctor's view way over due. I went prepared today. Dr. Sears Vaccine Book under my arm, determined to do what I felt was best. To have Tessa vaccinated for HIB and Pc only. Well I almost didn't make it. She said she really thought it was important for Tessa to have the dTaP (she doesn't believe her previous experience with it is serious or relevent) considering she has just gotten over pneumonia. Ok. Well. Hmm. I had no information telling me whether this was a legitimate concern or not. I panicked. I said OK. She didn't fight me on the other ones but still. I was defeated. The second she walked out of the room I was calling Jason. Furious at myself I took it out on his answering machine "I'm here making this decision by MYSELF. I need YOUR imput. PLEASE call me back." He did right away and told me what I needed to hear. We need time to look into it, delay the shot. Whew. God, he's good.
I marched out of that office and in front of three somewhat annoyed nurses told them politely I would like to put that particular shot off till we have more time to do more research. Cue rolled eyes and sideways glances and it was done. All three descended upon the room like three Shakesperean witches, held her down, made a clackety racket to distract her and pumped her chubby, white, perfect legs full of ideally life saving medicinal miracle syrup. I almost cried. But didn't and instead took her close to me, ignored their clatter and left. I didn't make another appointment.
Tessa's slept 4 hours in naps already today and it's not even 5:30. But that's it. No screaming. I feel relieved and strong and like I made the right decision for my baby. Not for anyone else's but my own. I'll continue to research, do my homework and hopefully what I choose makes sense. Hopefully what I choose is what keeps my bean safe and happy and healthy. I pray and I hope and I make decisions that let me sleep soundly next to the most important person in this world to me.
