So we hiked Spruce Peak yesterday! 19 weeks and 2 days pregnant and realizing, sadly, my body is not in the same kind of pre-preggers shape I imagined it was. It was a gorgeous day and we dedicated it to the outside world, somewhere, anywhere. I actually suggested Mount Worcester which we didn't make up to the top last January when I had been running every other day! I have dreams of running and biking for miles and miles and I've allowed myself the dissalusionment that the only reason I'm not doing these things is because it's been 20 below. Otherwise, I'd be running the marathon this May! But I broke down 3/4 of the way up just like I used to do when J first started getting me to hike. It was the running joke that we'd know when we were almost to the top when I started to cry. I always knew I was going to make it but there'd be some really loud voices in my head saying "what the hell are you doing? you're not this person! you're not in shape! you're pathetic!" I ignored them and honestly, focused my frustration on J, secretly. He'd be cruising along up ahead and I'd think "damn you! damn you for pushing me and wanting me to be somebody that I'm not". And everytime he'd considerately stop and offer water I'd almost burst into flames "you condescending ..." Knowing full well I was only mad at myself and that it was welling up and soon it would come pouring out. And then there we would be, some beautiful mountain, sun shining so kindly down and my face wet with sweat and tears and my body hyperventalating because I'd held it in along with my breath for the last quarter mile up. J would want to laugh, not meanly just knowing how close we were and that I wouldn't want to mention the break down the rest of the day and how proud and happy I'd be at the top and how high I'd feel all the way down.
I made it, of course, and the second I did I felt fine. Absolutely fine, my wobbly legs seemed to strengthen, my composure returned. We stopped, breathed, enjoyed the view and started back down planning dinner and the next day. How far away that summit is now and any of the frustration or pain. I imagine that's (a little) what birth may be like. It takes place during one day (hopefully just one) and it's a marathon and more and you take your tiny steps in it probably not so sure that you really can make it until you do. And it's over and all of a sudden it's a part of your past.
So, where are we hiking next weekend?
1 comment:
That is a bit what birth is like. I love creating analogies everywhere....suddenly every challenge becomes preparation for birth...from a car not starting, to a shower that is too hot, to a hike up a mountain....its all preparation....I love your blog....don't stop writing...its fun, and it is therapy....I try not to be too incriminating either...but then I'm a blabber mouth....me
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