Whining

February is the cruelest month. Didn't somebody say that? Well this february seems to be not so much cruel but annoying. Irritating for reasons it should not be irritating for. It's too perfect. Yup, mild and snowy and sunny most days. It's beautiful. I took a drive to Littleton yesterday and even driving down the highway it was spectacular. Every single tiny branch had at least an inch of snow balancing on top. It was bright but not so bright I couldn't see. Just bright enough so that all the caps of the White Mountains could be seen.
And that's why it was annoying. I wanted to be there. Up on top of those mountains. Standing on those peaks, sweaty and cold simultaneously, sucking in that wildly frigid mountain top air, pit of my stomach growling, just about to pass out. I love that high.
But I was in a car. A dirty car no less and full from a gluttonous tuna sandwich, depressed dog soaking the passenger seat next to me, baby in back moaning away from those horrible jagged little teeth ripping their way through her sad little gums. And I was going to TJmaxx. Ooh, it was exciting. I love to shop and since I've been thoroughly disgusted by my mundane wardrobe lately and cabin fever has long since set in I thought a shopping spree would be just what I needed. Bills were piled up but who cares, right? There'll always be bills, I can just hear my mother say. So I spent all of $12 on a pair of linen pants and a merino wool sleeveless sweater thing (it's not as tacky or as 90s as it sounds).
And I was happy. For an afternoon I had escaped. Gotten out of Dodge for a few brief hours and here I am again. Home sweet cluttered, dusty, dog hair ridden home. I realize today that my efforts yesterday were mediocre at best. I need longer lasting, more satiating escape! I need that mountaintop! Damn it! I even tried to go for a walk to the cemetary today and ended up losing one of Tessa's booties along the way cutting my big outing in half. She can't be out long these days even when the temp is about 30, her chin and cheeks are raw and peeling.
So... wah, wah, wah. It's gorgeous outside and I can't seem to enjoy it. I'm too scattered. Too anxious and pent up and unmotivated. Perhaps february is the cruelest month because even when she's flirting, showing off her lighter, brighter side, she's just a tease.

The River

I haven't posted in a long time. Mainly because I feel a little at a loss for words. Frankly, I'm bored. Of course there's a baby coming and I should be relaxing and relishing in these last few moments of quiet and relative peacefulness but..

I've done it to death.

The one thing really saving me from going absolutely batty is the river. It's officially called Sunny Side Up to the locals but to Jason and me it's just the river. It's an amazing spot a few minutes drive from our house with clear, clean water and pools of varying depths. It's hidden in the woods just off a dirt road with a cow pasture on the other side. There's rarely anyone there so Percy can run free and we can sunbathe however we like. My big exposed belly as no one's concern. Whenever anyone asked me over the cold winter and spring months how I expected to handle the summer heat while extremely pregnant I explained I would be spending my days in the river. And I have. When Jason's been available to escort me.

See, we have a little snorkeler problem. (Snorkeler is our word for creep. Watch Little Children and understand.) He's a local nudist which I'd have no problem with whatsoever if he didn't also happen to try and engage the people around him, or get off in his car. I've only seen him up close two or three times and seen his car parked a few more, then opting to find another dipping spot. It drives me nuts. Why, oh why does one bad snorkeler have to ruin such a naturally beautiful and serene spot. A spot where otherwise I could lay all day in the sun, reading and writing and contemplating all the wonders of motherhood. This is why we live in Vermont! But no. Just because I'm a woman in a somewhat vulnerable situation (read carrying child) my access to places of natural beauty by myself are limited. I can walk around town all I like and sit by the fountain or in the cemetary but I can not cool off on a hot day alone without being afraid.

Blah. My little rant.

Otherwise, things are great and how are you? I'm just waiting, waiting, waiting for this baby to arrive and fill my days with new life. Till then I'll force myself to relax, to sleep while the sleeping's decent, to fill my freezer with baked goods and hummus, to walk Percy around and around and around town, to change my answering machine message to "no baby yet, we'll let you know".

Rated PG-13 for Language

I just twisted my ankle and damn it it hurts. I actually exclaimed, "SHIT!" very loudly as the 90 year old sweet neighbor lady passed by. I cringed for a second, more out of shame than pain, but then I thought "yeah, that's right. SHIT! it hurts! Goddamnsonofabitch!" I need to either try to start and censor my dirty mouth or wear it out and wearing it out sounds like more fun. I don't really want my child's first word to be something that would forever label them as "that foul mouthed little thing". I'm sure it won't but these are my fears these days.
I guess all these new paranoias could be labeled under "what the hell kind of parent am I going to be anyways and who's gonna let me get away with this?" I'm sure it's totally natural to feel like this when you're just what... 8, 9, 10 weeks away from bringing a new person into this world!? Jesus. Seriously, time is just flying by and I'm trying, really, really trying not to freak out. I popped a gasket (is that the term?) the other morning somewhat to the surprise of dear, sweet, unassuming J. It just happened all of a sudden. On a beautiful early summer morning with wonderful plans for the day every piece of my body seemed exhausted and anxious and tense all together and my head spun and I thought I'd just crumble. But after talking and talking and drinking some good iced tea I felt much better. I know I need these breakdowns, I always have. They're like the very end of a very long run that I've been somehow going on while asleep and suddenly I wake up and I can't handle it for one more step and somehow I make myself (by not curling up under the covers and escaping the world and those I love) finish the run and I feel so much better (although a little confused to how I got there but certainly a lot stronger).
I think we've both realized now that this is really happening. It had to hit us at some point, although I'm sure the real kicker will be when little babe is actually out of my body and in our arms. So, trying to sell a house and move in the next 8 weeks is probably unprobable and weighing us down with an inordinate amount of stress. We don't want to struggle through another winter, especially when I won't be working as much and our bills will be higher, but we also don't want to miss out on all those important little things people do before a baby comes. Like getting all their tiny little baby clothes ready and organizing and checking off all the essential baby needs. I can't even start to do these things when I think about having to pack it all up and move it somewhere else. So we're going to passively try and sell for the time being and then try it a bit more aggressively after little one is here. That's the plan as of today anyways and I'm able to be more relaxed just not having to think about it. Now, we can hang out in the house and enjoy it and make it more the kind of first home we want for this baby. I still want to move towards Burlington very soon but one day at a time right? We're spending all our weekends there anyways so we'll think of it as a commute for now. A commute to where we live two days a week for fun.

Don't want to call it IT..

I'm having a hard time referring to the little being inside me. I can't say him or her and I won't be able to say that for a while because we don't want to know till he or she is born. I'm somewhat sick of constantly saying him or her and he or she and I don't like the sound or the connotations of the word "it". J actually said he had a dream last night that I told him it wasn't a he or a she; it was both. (And I'm not referring to my husband anymore as just husband, he will be J. Who am I hiding us from? Though I still can't give up all anonymity.)
I need a nickname but not something obnoxiously cutesy. I read someone on MDC referring to their babe as Roo. That's cute. J likes 'little acorn squash'. A bit long though. But not right.... Little kung foo fighter would be appropriate after seeing their little kickboxing moves on the ultrasound screen.
AND... I need to start coming up with a list of real names I like. J is really stuck on Jack Henry. I like Jack but not so much Henry. I really like Leif, Quinten and Adrian. Adrian for a boy or girl. We were stuck on Helen for a while, with Len being the short. I thought of Haylen last night. It's hard to tell anyone what names you like. My boss gave me this look when she matched Leif up with our last name like eww. I wanted to smack her. People are very tactless.
AND... that's another thing. I've been super irritable lately. But, to sound like someone I would've wanted to kill the other day, it does help just to smile. For no apparent reason. Just smile. People smile back and treat you nicer and so on. It did help with a table full of check splitting, hot coffee demanding, bad tipping old ladies the other day. At least they all said, "thank you, we'll see you next week!" in a chipper tone. Made me want to poison them a little less. Negative energy not good for babe.

Preggy Waitress Rant

Oh it's hit me now. The exhaustion, the nausea, the inane moodswings (although husband might say that's been around for a while). Yesterday it hurt to move, to eat, to think about moving and eating. Today I forced myself to eat a bigger, healthier breakfast and I'm not relying on the restaurant's staff meal tonight for dinner(last night's was meat pie... um, no thanks). I must say I do feel better. More energetic, less like I want to curl up on the floor and sleep the next 8 months away. I actually created a makeshift bed behind the bread station last night out of three chairs. I felt ridiculous so I begged my coworkers and the chef to "let me go! please! please! for god's sake let me go!" I was too pathetic to ignore so I was on my way home in minutes. Couldn't sleep (of course, it's night time why would my body let me sleep when it's actually night time?) so I watched 3 episodes of Law & Order SVU. It's so sick and twisted and addictive. It's one of the worst habits I have to quit before having children. I generally hate TV but there's something about that 'dun dun' between every scene that's got me hooked.

Oh, I don't know if it's the anxiousness I'm feeling to tell my mom or if it's just plain morning sickness that's making me queasy but I must go lay down for twenty minutes before I head out to wait on more unassuming patrons. Next time you leave a 12% tip on the table (because what's the difference of a dollar or two, you like to keep your checkbook round) for that sweet but tired looking waitress think - oh, maybe she's trying to make money for something more than skittles. Yup, she's full o' baby and running her growing ass off for your hot water with lemon you need right away. Sorry, must nap before Mrs. Hyde comes out.

Can I tell you?

You! You wonderfully anonymous figure out there. I must tell you this now. This never uttered before news. (well i told my husband first but that's it, i swear) Just this last night, less than 19 hours ago, I found out something truly amazing. Do you know what that is? There is something going on here, in this town, actually, in this very house at this very moment. Nobody around here knows, shhh. There is some strange and secret stirring deep in the dark, red recesses of my very body. A tiny person in growing! Did you get that?! Astonishing!!

Well, it's astonishing and amazing and incredible news to me as well as my family and friends I'm sure. I just can't tell them yet. Why? Because I live in the faraway land of the Northeast Queendom. A day trip away to all I know and love. And a drive that must be planned and coordinated ahead of time. Why do we live here you ask? Ah, that tale is for another time.

For now..... I'M FREAKING PREGNANT!!!!

This is good news I assure you. Not that previously refered to husband and myself are in an ideal situation but who's really in the ideal situation? No one...exactly. We're ready emotionally and psychologically, we think. We have a nice, old house with enough room and a sweet, crazy, overly friendly dog. We're both in the restaurant business which has its pros and cons.
Pro: Flexible hours.
Con: I will be running my ass off serving people till my belly ends up in some one's $22 entree.

I feel like I can breathe now, thank you. This kind of venting feels more fulfilling at this time than my usual journaling. My secret is out on the internet!

So, day one of conscious expecting. So far, so good. Boobs are tender and belly's upset - but that's nothing new. When husband 0' mine gets home we'll celebrate with fish tacos and a movie. For now, I search the web for information and obsess.