Back to Work

So last night was my second night back to work. It was ... nice. I'm not really in any big rush to get out of the house but I wasn't dreading it by any means either. It felt good to make a little money and to get out and be social. Although I was tempted to tell all my tables that I had a beautiful 11 week old daughter at home waiting for me I held back. For a few hours, to a handfull of strangers I was just a young woman bringing them their food and drink. Not a nervous, new mother. Not a wife. Not caretaker of crazy dog. Just an anonymous, efficient waitress.

I missed Tess while I was gone for all of four hours. I managed to call home three times and check in on the situation which was not going as smoothly as we might have liked. Jason did it though. He made it. I got home and Tessa was crying. I could hear her from outside the front door. Jason, bless him, had been struggling for some time and here I was at last to relieve him of his duties. He made a run for the kitchen to whip up a fabulous meal. I picked her up and, like the troublemaking jokester I can already see her becoming, she looked at her daddy and flashed one big, sneaky smile. Jason looked bewildered.

I had almost started to worry that she wasn't relient upon me enough. That she went to everyone else almost too easily. She fell asleep on my grandmother, my father, my mother, everyone. She smiled at strangers and let anyone pick her up. I was scared I was making her too independant. I wanted that look to me for reassurance. That tighter hold on my neck. Last night was really the first time I felt like she really wanted me to hold her, not just to be held. Of course, I want others to be able to watch her without much trouble and they will. Tuesday daddy-daughter nights will get smoother and visits from grandmas on saturdays will be exciting for everyone but it will all take time. No one will be able to understand her needs quite as well as I do but that is the sweet part of being a mother. Being needed is hard but my god it feels good.

Super or Slacker SAHM

At the moment I am sitting up in our bedroom with Tessa laying across a pillow on my lap. She is sleeping. Again. She had just woken up from a three hour nap (I have to admit I took part in nearly 2/3 of that nap) and as I began to nurse her she drifted off again. Now typing over her I can feel her stir slightly and although I know I should wake her I type faster hoping just to get out a few paragraphs because this is the point of this session. Do I let her sleep too much?

Today she turns two months old and she has changed immensely. Not only is she much larger she is much more engaged, much stronger, much more of a character. She talks to us in goo's and ooh's and snorts. She smiles and nearly laughs and is just beginning to pull my hair when I carry her around. And she sleeps well, maybe too well. Unlike so many other two month olds she is a champion sleeper just like her mom. Some mornings I'll wake at 9 am and find her still fast asleep beside me. Of course having Daddy in the restaurant biz and eating dinners often at 10 pm we have a much later schedule than most new families. Tessa has adapted well but this all doesn't mean she sleeps deeply through the whole night or that even when she is I do, hence the need for an occassional two hour nap. So like any new mother I have to question my tactics. Am I letting her sleep too much? The answer seemed obvious when she was newly born and she needed 18 hours a day to deal with this crazy, often overwhelming world. But now?

I worry that like I've failed to keep her entertained, that perhaps she's bored and so she sleeps. Or, that worse of all, I'm trying to get her to sleep so that I can get other things done. I'm a list person so at the end of the day I have tasks and chores checked off. I like to be able to see what I've just accomplished immediately like a clean fridge, or bags of organized, outgrown baby clothes. I want to be super stay-at-home mom. I'm coming to terms with the fact that that means no lists. Tessa is not a chore I can mark off. I might not be able to say what I've done for her at the end of everyday but whatever it is I'm sure its more important than dog hair-free floors.

So, I've woken her up. We've walked around town in the dark and just now we danced to Lets Give Them Something To Talk About. I'm not a slacker mom I know, I love my daughter with everything in me... I'm just learning how to love her in the way she needs me to.

Forget about it...

So, I've given up already. I can't possibly keep up with posting every week. It's just impossible. Tessa has already turned six weeks old!!! It's absolutely ridiculous how quickly the days and weeks are passing. With that comes our rapid adjustment to this new life. Suddenly, Tessa is just here. We are a family and that's that. Since she's become just one of us we've slowed the picture taking down quite a bit. Don't get me wrong she's nothing short of the most perfect being in the universe and we're still trying to record all of her little, miraculous changes, we just can't spend entire days camera in hand ready to shoot. Laundry needs to be done, dishes washed, groceries bought, Percy walked, bills sent out and Tessa needs to be nursed and changed and nursed again. Already I can't imagine what my life was before her. Certainly not before I was pregnant with her! And I think to myself, I must've known it was her. I just know her too well. There was obviously a much deeper relationship forming than I could've ever even realized when she was inside of me.
So forget the week by week photo journal. Hopefully, we'll be able to catch lots and lots of great moments on film and they'll help remind us years from now how perfectly romantic this time in our lives was. I do know there'll be hundreds of moments that flash by too quick for the shutter to catch and those moments will just have to be burned into our memories. Like this one right now... Tessa two feet away, cooing and ga-ing to herself in her bassinette, struggling to keep her heavy lids open to stare at the sunlight reflecting off the ceiling for another moment, finally falling asleep to the tapping of these keys.

Catching Up....Week Three

It was my first week home alone with Tessa. I was feeling pretty good about it and since I had great meals ready to go in my fridge and freezer, had been getting a decent amount of sleep and really felt a great bond with Tessa already. I knew we'd be fine, just the two of us. And we were! So when the weekend came I felt confident enough for our new family to take a little trip to Burlington. We spent a leisurely afternoon at the dog park trying to make up for all the attention Percy's not receiving lately. She loved us for it. That night we ordered Leonardo's pizza (an old favorite) and drove to the in-law's incredible house on the lake. They were out of town (in Prague no less) so we made ourselves at home. (Thank you Joan and David!!) Auntie Sue, cousin Lukas and unkle Evan came out to see us the next day. It was a wonderful weekend even though Percy managed to poison herself, lock herself in the car and get stuck with porcipine quills .

catching up... Week Two

Mom came up to see her first grandchild (and take care of me too). They got along smashingly - look they even coordinated their outfits!

Tessa with her two great grandmas!!

We got to do some relaxing in the yard after everyone left.

We even took a day trip to Montpelier! Here we are resting up at the park.

catching up... Week One

The night I went into labor (about 24 hours before Tessa was born)...

Pizza dinner and a Hoegaarden to calm the nerves. I had no idea what was coming to me.


Our first dinner home with little girl. Same house, same setup just add a brand new perfect person, bunches of beautiful flowers, a little less sleep and a new meaning to the word happiness.
We had salad compliments of Elements and an amazing creamy pesto pasta dish by Chef Jason. Tessa had a very local unpasteurized breast milk she seemed to enjoy.

The first few nights were pretty hard; an hour sleeping, an hour nursing but we had a very pleasant first few days at home just the three of us (well, four, sorry Percy). Jason made fabulous dinners and waited on me hand and foot. Umm, honey? Could you go down to Brooks and get me that nipple cream? Thanks.....

Then outside help arrived! We got some good support from people who know. Tessa's aunt and uncle relieved our fears and brought us good nourishment while her big cousin Lukas kept an eye on her at the Littleton farmer's market. It was our first big trip out into the world as a family and all went smoothly until I discovered her diaper rash and lost my mind thinking I was the Worst Mother in the World already.



Granny J took her shift and cooked and cleaned and cooked some more. Good times were had by all as the celebration continued on. We were excited to introduce Tessa into this good world by surrounding her with family, friends, good tunes and of course the fragrance of great food.

these days...

Life is just flying by. In a good but bittersweet way. In an incredibly beautiful way that time has never passed for me before but already with a hint of longing for these minutes to stretch just a little further. It's 2 pm. So far today I've managed to take a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast and mow about 10 square feet of lawn. Just add nurse and change Tess in between each one of those basic daily tasks and you have my past three hours. And I love it. I have books and magazines piled up to read during the hours a day I spend feeding her but I've yet to finish one article. I just stare and stare knowing I'm witnessing her grow and change without being able to understand or really see it. Writing just this has taken 42 minutes already. She's been on my lap as I rock her and type a sentence one handed then break to breathe her in for a few minutes more.

So, as well intentioned as I am to continue internet journaling this time with her it's going to take me a while. I haven't even started to write down her birth story and it's been over two weeks! This might turn into more of a week by week photo journal. Just one way to try and track these days I'm reluctantly letting go by.

A Week and A Day

I guess I forgot to post all the details so....

Tessa Cairn was born!

Monday August 6th

at 6:45 pm

weighed 8lbs 6oz

measured 20" long

Her eyes are a deep midnight blue, her hair ashy blonde, her feet and hands long and thin. Every night she seems to sleep in longer stretches - yay! Last night she slept for 4 1/2 hours! Jason actually woke me up before she did! We're typical nervous new parents but we've only called the pediatrician once. When she sleeps we worry she's sleeping too much and when she's awake we're worried she's not sleeping enough. Most of yesterday we spent trying to passively keep her awake but she's pretty determined to sleep when she wants to. Nursing has gotten progressively better to the point I don't even wince when she latches on any more. When she's not sleeping or eating she's usually in a state of active quiet consumption of the world around her. She's highly attracted to natural light and the polka dots on the blanket in her bassinette. She seems only to get really upset when we change her but not always.

Hands down she's the single most incredible thing I've ever seen in this world and if there's anything that's made me think there's such thing as soul or spirit it's her. So, yes, we're all happy and healthy here. Doing great with the support of our family and friends. Our birth story is still getting worked out but I'll be sure to post it when we figure out what happened and in what order (warning: it's a long one).

guess what!

The River

I haven't posted in a long time. Mainly because I feel a little at a loss for words. Frankly, I'm bored. Of course there's a baby coming and I should be relaxing and relishing in these last few moments of quiet and relative peacefulness but..

I've done it to death.

The one thing really saving me from going absolutely batty is the river. It's officially called Sunny Side Up to the locals but to Jason and me it's just the river. It's an amazing spot a few minutes drive from our house with clear, clean water and pools of varying depths. It's hidden in the woods just off a dirt road with a cow pasture on the other side. There's rarely anyone there so Percy can run free and we can sunbathe however we like. My big exposed belly as no one's concern. Whenever anyone asked me over the cold winter and spring months how I expected to handle the summer heat while extremely pregnant I explained I would be spending my days in the river. And I have. When Jason's been available to escort me.

See, we have a little snorkeler problem. (Snorkeler is our word for creep. Watch Little Children and understand.) He's a local nudist which I'd have no problem with whatsoever if he didn't also happen to try and engage the people around him, or get off in his car. I've only seen him up close two or three times and seen his car parked a few more, then opting to find another dipping spot. It drives me nuts. Why, oh why does one bad snorkeler have to ruin such a naturally beautiful and serene spot. A spot where otherwise I could lay all day in the sun, reading and writing and contemplating all the wonders of motherhood. This is why we live in Vermont! But no. Just because I'm a woman in a somewhat vulnerable situation (read carrying child) my access to places of natural beauty by myself are limited. I can walk around town all I like and sit by the fountain or in the cemetary but I can not cool off on a hot day alone without being afraid.

Blah. My little rant.

Otherwise, things are great and how are you? I'm just waiting, waiting, waiting for this baby to arrive and fill my days with new life. Till then I'll force myself to relax, to sleep while the sleeping's decent, to fill my freezer with baked goods and hummus, to walk Percy around and around and around town, to change my answering machine message to "no baby yet, we'll let you know".

This Summer's Hike

Baby's first attempt at Moosilakee. God, I love that mountain. This past weekend we wanted to show Evan and Tina some great falls in the White Mountains. Of course, I forgot that it's a 1/2 mile hike up to the base of the cascades. At the start you are warned : THIS TRAIL IS EXTREMELY TOUGH...

Of course now Jason says I can't use the excuse that I'm too pregnant to take Percy on a walk around the block or park down the street from where ever we're headed. Then I remind him that next summer he'll be carrying this baby up and down mountains himself.





This picture was taken with the sole aim of getting a reaction out of my mother. I'm such a child.






I definitely got a rush off of the little bit that I did hike. I didn't want to stop! I could just see that mountaintop with all those cairns, surrounded by those beautiful peaks!







And this is Percy at twilight. After a good day of hiking and swimming there's nothing like a good local brew.

Rated PG-13 for Language

I just twisted my ankle and damn it it hurts. I actually exclaimed, "SHIT!" very loudly as the 90 year old sweet neighbor lady passed by. I cringed for a second, more out of shame than pain, but then I thought "yeah, that's right. SHIT! it hurts! Goddamnsonofabitch!" I need to either try to start and censor my dirty mouth or wear it out and wearing it out sounds like more fun. I don't really want my child's first word to be something that would forever label them as "that foul mouthed little thing". I'm sure it won't but these are my fears these days.
I guess all these new paranoias could be labeled under "what the hell kind of parent am I going to be anyways and who's gonna let me get away with this?" I'm sure it's totally natural to feel like this when you're just what... 8, 9, 10 weeks away from bringing a new person into this world!? Jesus. Seriously, time is just flying by and I'm trying, really, really trying not to freak out. I popped a gasket (is that the term?) the other morning somewhat to the surprise of dear, sweet, unassuming J. It just happened all of a sudden. On a beautiful early summer morning with wonderful plans for the day every piece of my body seemed exhausted and anxious and tense all together and my head spun and I thought I'd just crumble. But after talking and talking and drinking some good iced tea I felt much better. I know I need these breakdowns, I always have. They're like the very end of a very long run that I've been somehow going on while asleep and suddenly I wake up and I can't handle it for one more step and somehow I make myself (by not curling up under the covers and escaping the world and those I love) finish the run and I feel so much better (although a little confused to how I got there but certainly a lot stronger).
I think we've both realized now that this is really happening. It had to hit us at some point, although I'm sure the real kicker will be when little babe is actually out of my body and in our arms. So, trying to sell a house and move in the next 8 weeks is probably unprobable and weighing us down with an inordinate amount of stress. We don't want to struggle through another winter, especially when I won't be working as much and our bills will be higher, but we also don't want to miss out on all those important little things people do before a baby comes. Like getting all their tiny little baby clothes ready and organizing and checking off all the essential baby needs. I can't even start to do these things when I think about having to pack it all up and move it somewhere else. So we're going to passively try and sell for the time being and then try it a bit more aggressively after little one is here. That's the plan as of today anyways and I'm able to be more relaxed just not having to think about it. Now, we can hang out in the house and enjoy it and make it more the kind of first home we want for this baby. I still want to move towards Burlington very soon but one day at a time right? We're spending all our weekends there anyways so we'll think of it as a commute for now. A commute to where we live two days a week for fun.

Break's Over...Almost

We had a wonderful vacation full of all sorts of varying experiences and places that make a break memorable. This particular 'holiday' will stick out in memory from our many other vacations we've taken over the past 5 years together for a number of reasons. For one, it's our last long trip we'll take just the two of us for a very long time. No doubt I'm really looking forward to family vacations and sharing new places with this new little person but there's something easy going in two people deciding what to do with their day without taking into consideration all of those essential baby details I have no clue yet about. How many diapers to bring? What kind of clothing? On and on.
I'm thinking wishfully though. This babe is due to be born end of July/early August, my birthday is at the end of September and I'm already planning a trip to Montreal for the weekend. I'm thinking if I just go ahead and plan on doing these things I'll be more likely to go through with them. Instead of, say, not planning anything for the next year and a half and just hoping I get out of the house. That said I know it's a dangerous thing expectations. I'm trying not to have any except that I won't be sleeping for the first few months. Which is why I'm getting it all in now.

I don't go back to my night job for another four days! Fabulous but somewhat boring. This town is not known for it's night life and even if it were I'm not sure what I'd be so interested in doing. People watching perhaps. Oh, like the old days in my big city life. Ah, yes, when options were plentiful and even relaxing at home meant sitting on the roof, margarita in one hand, book in the other and the lake giving me a private light show at sundown. Well, I suppose I wouldn't have a margarita at this point and maybe at 6 months pregnant it would be unwise to climb up on a roof but still. There'd be people walking the streets. I'm lucky here if I get the same shady guy walking past the house with his dog dragging it's foot long cut off leash behind him.

So, what am I going to do here when I have to stop working before the baby comes!? I'm sure there'll be lots of preparation but it's so hard in a house that we're not sure we'll be in for much longer. Start packing perhaps? Oh, life is not so bad in this sweet old house. It's actually quite peaceful. It's certainly quiet. I'll look back to this time when we've moved into an apartment, baby crying, dog barking, neighbors banging on their ceiling with a broom stick to shut the hell up and I'll think "wasn't that peaceful back there in that house?" Someone kick me then. Smack me upside the head and tell me to be careful what I wish for.

For now though, I think I'll walk down to the Family Dollar store to buy some shower curtain rings. Yay! (shiver) Or maybe I'll pretend to read the rest of the New Yorker and sleep this grey afternoon away.

Baby's Coming! Time to Gamble!

I'm so excited... gambling. Ah, yes. One of my ultimately most ridiculous secret pleasures in life. I love to gamble. Back in the day I was the Black Jack Queen. Now I've resigned myself to Powerball tickets and the occasional scratch off. I haven't won yet but I've been brainwashed by the slogan "you can't win if you don't play". It's so true! I can't win if I don't play! I must!

Anyhow, I've brought the little bear in my belly into the scheme. We've officially started a pool tonight at work. So, who wants in!? I haven't even put my bet in yet. I could guess a date but not the sex. I don't know and I really, honestly, don't want to be wrong. Although I know how silly that sounds it's true. I hate the thought of having my first maternal instinct be off. But, for the love of the game I just might have to take a shot at it. So if any of you five people reading this blog want in... let me know. It's a $5 toss in. You can bet on the same day as someone else but only if you guess the opposite sex.

Someone PLEASE Kill My TV (and the neighbors sweatpants)

J and I went to the River Run Cafe in Plainfield for breakfast this morning.. it was mm, mm, good. Grits and cheese and spice and bisquits for me. J had ribs (I'm blocking from my brain that they were actually called 'baby ribs') which I actually urged him to get. When we go out anywhere I want us both to order food we wouldn't normally cook for ourselves which means I dissaprove of his ordering eggs and home fries. I don't eat land animal meat, let alone still attatched to the bone, but I pushed him. He loved them and we both left incredibly satisfied, still tired from a long work week which isn't yet done with him. We returned home for a nap. Ahh, to wake and eat and return to sleep. Life as lazy dogs. I would usually feel bad for spending such a beautiful afternoon this way but I slept in the sunlight coming through our guest room window to feel somewhat connected to the world outside. It was lovely and when I awoke J was off.
So here we are, dog and I, home alone again. We've walked, shopped, read, made a salmon ceasar salad with avacado for dinner and now blogged. It's only 7:28. Time is creeping by. I don't want to watch TV but I so want to watch TV. It's my newest addiction, I desperately need a 12 step. But it's so easy and it passes the time without sleeping and feeling completely depressed. I have to admit I've fallen into this TV trap often lately. I can tell you the names of at least one person surviving American Idol, despite my outward loathing for the show and it's disgusting degradation of it's money generating conestants. I can tell you what happened on the last Grey's Anatomy and House and Cold Case. Eww. I feel grody. But what else to pass 10pm to 12:30am with? How to stay awake for J and zone out after work? I should kill my TV but what would I do then?
I've gone through some clothes. I'm trying to bring a little color and style conciousness to this town. I am not up to date with the latest fashions or attempting to pretend in the least that I am some kind of trendsetter but... please, god, sweatpants are never ok outside. On our walk today dog and I saw way to many of these and they're always grey and baggy and dirty! Why? I think that was the ultimate demise of this town or maybe... since it's big fall as some kind of thriving business center for the region people have just given up. They have nothing but their sweatpants left. Everything else has dissolved or worn away and they've tossed it all onto their porches to show the world "look what we used to have, it doesn't look like anything but junk now but really, it was all quite something." Maybe I'm just being mean. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be I just hate seeing people give up and the town that I live in continue to fall apart despite it's ridiculous slogan "On the Rise!" perpetually mocking itself and the people trapped in it (being me and I don't want to be mocked, see I'm just fighting back).
So, please, I'll plant hydrangeas if I have to in the front yard in a giant SOS to get the attention this place needs. Some kind of fashion mercy army come save us all from ourselves. Kill my TV, clothe the people in real pants and shirts that don't have cartoons characters on them, cart the trash away, paint the houses and rescue those of us who need a little more of a life (that means me!).

Poem for a White Saint Paddy's Day

Snowdrops by Louise Gluck

Do you know what I was, how I lived? You know

what despair is; then

winter should have meaning for you.

I did not expect to survive,

earth suppressing me. I didn't expect

to waken again, to feel

in damp earth my body

able to respond again, remembering

after so long how to open again

in the cold light of earliest spring -

afraid, yes, but among you again

crying yes risk joy

in the raw wind of the new world.

Spruce Peak - The Breakdown

19 Weeks!

The Beast Emerges

So we hiked Spruce Peak yesterday! 19 weeks and 2 days pregnant and realizing, sadly, my body is not in the same kind of pre-preggers shape I imagined it was. It was a gorgeous day and we dedicated it to the outside world, somewhere, anywhere. I actually suggested Mount Worcester which we didn't make up to the top last January when I had been running every other day! I have dreams of running and biking for miles and miles and I've allowed myself the dissalusionment that the only reason I'm not doing these things is because it's been 20 below. Otherwise, I'd be running the marathon this May! But I broke down 3/4 of the way up just like I used to do when J first started getting me to hike. It was the running joke that we'd know when we were almost to the top when I started to cry. I always knew I was going to make it but there'd be some really loud voices in my head saying "what the hell are you doing? you're not this person! you're not in shape! you're pathetic!" I ignored them and honestly, focused my frustration on J, secretly. He'd be cruising along up ahead and I'd think "damn you! damn you for pushing me and wanting me to be somebody that I'm not". And everytime he'd considerately stop and offer water I'd almost burst into flames "you condescending ..." Knowing full well I was only mad at myself and that it was welling up and soon it would come pouring out. And then there we would be, some beautiful mountain, sun shining so kindly down and my face wet with sweat and tears and my body hyperventalating because I'd held it in along with my breath for the last quarter mile up. J would want to laugh, not meanly just knowing how close we were and that I wouldn't want to mention the break down the rest of the day and how proud and happy I'd be at the top and how high I'd feel all the way down.

I made it, of course, and the second I did I felt fine. Absolutely fine, my wobbly legs seemed to strengthen, my composure returned. We stopped, breathed, enjoyed the view and started back down planning dinner and the next day. How far away that summit is now and any of the frustration or pain. I imagine that's (a little) what birth may be like. It takes place during one day (hopefully just one) and it's a marathon and more and you take your tiny steps in it probably not so sure that you really can make it until you do. And it's over and all of a sudden it's a part of your past.

So, where are we hiking next weekend?

How does that make me feel?

This is such therapy I've realized. All this venting and editing and being free to live somewhat uncensored and then realizing you're the only one censoring yourself at all. I do censor what I write on here. I was thinking about that big task of spilling "100 things about me" that I've seen some bloggers take on and I started a list yesterday while working at the cafe. I got to #3 and then I threw out the paper. There's a lot I'm sure I could jot down quickly but could I really come up with 100 interesting and at the same time non-incriminating details of my life that I wouldn't be deathly afraid someone I know might see? I guess not. I'll be trying though for the next however long. It's my newest goal. Ah, to have to goals in life....
Really though, I don't know how long I'll go on journaling here on the world-wide web but it has been my own type of catharsis. I'm not one who's ever allowed myself the indulgence of 'real therapy'. Personally, (and I mean this with complete respect to all the loonies out there who really need therapy) I can't really imagine spending that much money to make someone listen to me whine. I've got J for that and he's free. And now, of course, I've got you. So I'll try to come up with more interesting insights into this random new blogger's life.

House for Sale (dog not included)

Crazy dog looking not so crazy. She loves the new loveseat she's not supposed to be on. It probably doesn't help her discipline issues that I think it's adorable.

So this is me trying desperately not to think about all of the problems we're dealing with in this house. Anyone want to buy it?

My New 'Twang...

That sounds a little dirty. Anyways, I was just thinking how I could really write a country music song at this point in my life. All they have to be is depressing right? Well.... my cell phone got fried (it was our only phone), our jeep broke down, the furnace suddenly stopped working last night and I'm pregnant and freezing now... It's cold in here, damn cold (this would be the refrain). I'd have to throw in somewhere that our house is a money pit and I have rodents living in between the floors.
It's really a lovely scene. Romantic. I keep reminding myself that this is somehow romantic! A hard spot in life can usually be looked back upon as sweet and naive. Like in five years from now I'll look back at this very moment and say, "Oh, wasn't that amazing! And we had no idea that winning powerball ticket would be in our hands just days later!"
That's what I'm counting on. Winning powerball and spring. Which ever comes first. Once I can reach the ground without digging through 3 feet of snow I'll be happy. Once I can drive five minutes to our swimming hole and rock sculpture playground and splash around all big and pregnant and happy.

Make Up Homework....

My favorite Valentine ever!

My fabulous strawberry chocolate cake.

I'm Off

I'm off to my second shift of work for the day but before I go I wanted to drop a line or two. Making lists always makes me happy and although I'm already in a decently good mood I thought I'd make one strange, not so happy list. So...

Things that have disappointed me this past week:

*Miles Davis abused women. (Maybe this is common knowledge but it shocked me and I feel a little icky now listening to his beautiful music)

*People in the restaurant business don't neccessarily live by the secret code of politeness and respect for fellow restaurant workers. i.e. Don't show up to eat at any restaurant at closing time and act like no one else in the place has anywhere else to be.

*I don't change the station when 'If I Had a Million Dollars' by the Barenaked Ladies comes on the radio.

*And... I actually sing to 'If I Had a Million Dollars'.


Now I'm late to work. Ah, well. What are they going to do? Fire a pregnant woman? Just kidding! I'm going. Quickly.

all dressed up with a cake! (and still nowhere to go)

I just made a fabulous chocolate cake with strawberries and dark chocolate shavings! Will post a picture when J downloads my 10,000 shots of it. I'm wearing some of my new super comfy maternity clothes my mom bought me recently. I'm not exactly 'big' yet but my regular clothes are beginning to feel awkward. Rising up here, hanging over there. Just not too pretty. I'd rather wear these fitted but billowy shirts that hang way past the waist. Certainly not a fashion queen but it's my day off and I want to feel good about myself. (Key to that was opting out of trying on a bathing suit)
I had most of the ingredients for the cake just around and since it's my dad's and my friend's birthday I thought I'd bake one. I ate half the frozen strawberries before they made it on the cake and licked the batter realizing immediately it might make me very sick. Oops. (It was delicious anyways and made me feel like a kid) Dad's too far away to enjoy it and who knows if I'll end up seeing my friend but I felt productive for about 1.5 hours today.
Dog is so incredibly bored she can't stop whining and I feel bad but it's so damn cold and windy out I just can't bring myself to go out there. She runs around the yard and then slams at the door saying come on! Get out here with me! Nope, I'm lazy and useless. Saving my energy for baby (admitted bad excuse).
I'm at 14 weeks and 2 days. I feel like it's going really quickly and that kind of scares the hell out of me. Breathing deeply to slow the time. I'm also eating nervously constantly. I've put on just about 6 pounds at this point. Can't get enough fruit or peanut butter. I have a feeling soon it'll be chocolate cake with strawberries.

Don't want to call it IT..

I'm having a hard time referring to the little being inside me. I can't say him or her and I won't be able to say that for a while because we don't want to know till he or she is born. I'm somewhat sick of constantly saying him or her and he or she and I don't like the sound or the connotations of the word "it". J actually said he had a dream last night that I told him it wasn't a he or a she; it was both. (And I'm not referring to my husband anymore as just husband, he will be J. Who am I hiding us from? Though I still can't give up all anonymity.)
I need a nickname but not something obnoxiously cutesy. I read someone on MDC referring to their babe as Roo. That's cute. J likes 'little acorn squash'. A bit long though. But not right.... Little kung foo fighter would be appropriate after seeing their little kickboxing moves on the ultrasound screen.
AND... I need to start coming up with a list of real names I like. J is really stuck on Jack Henry. I like Jack but not so much Henry. I really like Leif, Quinten and Adrian. Adrian for a boy or girl. We were stuck on Helen for a while, with Len being the short. I thought of Haylen last night. It's hard to tell anyone what names you like. My boss gave me this look when she matched Leif up with our last name like eww. I wanted to smack her. People are very tactless.
AND... that's another thing. I've been super irritable lately. But, to sound like someone I would've wanted to kill the other day, it does help just to smile. For no apparent reason. Just smile. People smile back and treat you nicer and so on. It did help with a table full of check splitting, hot coffee demanding, bad tipping old ladies the other day. At least they all said, "thank you, we'll see you next week!" in a chipper tone. Made me want to poison them a little less. Negative energy not good for babe.

Love at First (ultra)Sound

Just had the first ultrasound! Two arms, two legs, one head, yay! It was amazing to see little one move. S/he just jerked this way and that and we saw the little flickering light of the heart beat. I have the little black and white pictures posted on my fridge. It was crazy how quickly we could just recognize him/her. I wanted to keep watching but at the same time I was worried about being a bother. Maybe it was saying, "what are you doing?! get out of here!"
Met with a great midwife who really quelled my fears of having my birth plan thrown out the window and being pushed around and drugged up against my will. I feel very relieved but with a total sense of renewed anticipation. I'm just kind of in awe all over again. It feels more real now. Now that I know everything is ok, there really is a baby.

A New Year, A New Feel

I feel good. Well, better before I ate all those beans. I'll be ten weeks pregnant tomorrow! Went to the gym for the first time in ages yesterday and stepped up onto that scary scale. I haven't been eating a tremendous amount but I feel... looser. Ends up I've lost 2 pounds. Normal. Fine with me. Suddenly though I'm starving. I think that scale gave my body more permission to want food. My energy is finally coming back to me. Actually hiked with dog on New Year's Eve. Felt great. Came home, took a bath, started a fire and spent my first and last New Year's alone. Well, sort of. Not counting dog and fetus.
I haven't been able to write or even look on the computer much for a while. My body associated it all with nausea. No cheese, chips, tea, or blogs. Still can't do the cheese or tea. I'm working slowly. I haven't been too overly emotional lately (that's strictly my opinion not that of husband's). So it seems I might be entering a less tumultous period. Less yakking and sleeping and more working and planning. Yay!
Otherwise, life is fine. The squirrels living between the floors in my house are very content although, it did smell like last spring's skunk might've thought he was coming home early this year. Oh, what a full house. We're thinking of ways to politely evict them all soon. Baby's and squirrels don't mix. I'm a little afraid of an uprising though.