Whining

February is the cruelest month. Didn't somebody say that? Well this february seems to be not so much cruel but annoying. Irritating for reasons it should not be irritating for. It's too perfect. Yup, mild and snowy and sunny most days. It's beautiful. I took a drive to Littleton yesterday and even driving down the highway it was spectacular. Every single tiny branch had at least an inch of snow balancing on top. It was bright but not so bright I couldn't see. Just bright enough so that all the caps of the White Mountains could be seen.
And that's why it was annoying. I wanted to be there. Up on top of those mountains. Standing on those peaks, sweaty and cold simultaneously, sucking in that wildly frigid mountain top air, pit of my stomach growling, just about to pass out. I love that high.
But I was in a car. A dirty car no less and full from a gluttonous tuna sandwich, depressed dog soaking the passenger seat next to me, baby in back moaning away from those horrible jagged little teeth ripping their way through her sad little gums. And I was going to TJmaxx. Ooh, it was exciting. I love to shop and since I've been thoroughly disgusted by my mundane wardrobe lately and cabin fever has long since set in I thought a shopping spree would be just what I needed. Bills were piled up but who cares, right? There'll always be bills, I can just hear my mother say. So I spent all of $12 on a pair of linen pants and a merino wool sleeveless sweater thing (it's not as tacky or as 90s as it sounds).
And I was happy. For an afternoon I had escaped. Gotten out of Dodge for a few brief hours and here I am again. Home sweet cluttered, dusty, dog hair ridden home. I realize today that my efforts yesterday were mediocre at best. I need longer lasting, more satiating escape! I need that mountaintop! Damn it! I even tried to go for a walk to the cemetary today and ended up losing one of Tessa's booties along the way cutting my big outing in half. She can't be out long these days even when the temp is about 30, her chin and cheeks are raw and peeling.
So... wah, wah, wah. It's gorgeous outside and I can't seem to enjoy it. I'm too scattered. Too anxious and pent up and unmotivated. Perhaps february is the cruelest month because even when she's flirting, showing off her lighter, brighter side, she's just a tease.

Happy Half Year Baby!

Yes, today Tessa turns six months. A whole half a year old. I'm sure it doesn't sound like much to some but it's absolutely unbelievable to me. She's practically crawling, she ate a (miniscule) bit of banana this morning, she can say "hi!" and she's huge!

Even though she's changing everyday and in so many incredible ways she is still the same little being that came out of me six months ago. I know it sounds obvious but it's a strange thing to witness. A person being born and then maintaining who they are through enormous change. Sure she's grown in size and she's not fooled by the magical disappearing whateveritisthatshewants trick anymore but she's the same person. Looking at me with the same eyes. The same sly smile creeping out from one corner of her mouth and the same back of the throat laugh she does that I can never quite imitate right.

It makes me wonder all over again about nature v. nurture and why I am who I am. I think I give to much credence to what I've done or what's been done to me. I've never really felt victim to this world, say, but I have often felt like well, of course I'm that way just look at what I've been through. I'm beginning to feel like that's a real cop-out. Of course there's years and years chalk full of life for Tessa ahead and only time will prove how it will all effect her and mold the person she will be but watching her now, her extroversion, her likes and dislikes, how similar and different she already is to both Jason and I. I can see her presence becoming stronger, her will, her personality. She's her own person and it is my job not just to make sure the experiences I can control are mostly positive ones for her but to allow who she is to bloom in this world. To give her the confidence she'll need to know that no matter what kind of world she walks through she was born strong and smiling. One happy little bean just full of her own self.