Back to Work

So last night was my second night back to work. It was ... nice. I'm not really in any big rush to get out of the house but I wasn't dreading it by any means either. It felt good to make a little money and to get out and be social. Although I was tempted to tell all my tables that I had a beautiful 11 week old daughter at home waiting for me I held back. For a few hours, to a handfull of strangers I was just a young woman bringing them their food and drink. Not a nervous, new mother. Not a wife. Not caretaker of crazy dog. Just an anonymous, efficient waitress.

I missed Tess while I was gone for all of four hours. I managed to call home three times and check in on the situation which was not going as smoothly as we might have liked. Jason did it though. He made it. I got home and Tessa was crying. I could hear her from outside the front door. Jason, bless him, had been struggling for some time and here I was at last to relieve him of his duties. He made a run for the kitchen to whip up a fabulous meal. I picked her up and, like the troublemaking jokester I can already see her becoming, she looked at her daddy and flashed one big, sneaky smile. Jason looked bewildered.

I had almost started to worry that she wasn't relient upon me enough. That she went to everyone else almost too easily. She fell asleep on my grandmother, my father, my mother, everyone. She smiled at strangers and let anyone pick her up. I was scared I was making her too independant. I wanted that look to me for reassurance. That tighter hold on my neck. Last night was really the first time I felt like she really wanted me to hold her, not just to be held. Of course, I want others to be able to watch her without much trouble and they will. Tuesday daddy-daughter nights will get smoother and visits from grandmas on saturdays will be exciting for everyone but it will all take time. No one will be able to understand her needs quite as well as I do but that is the sweet part of being a mother. Being needed is hard but my god it feels good.

Super or Slacker SAHM

At the moment I am sitting up in our bedroom with Tessa laying across a pillow on my lap. She is sleeping. Again. She had just woken up from a three hour nap (I have to admit I took part in nearly 2/3 of that nap) and as I began to nurse her she drifted off again. Now typing over her I can feel her stir slightly and although I know I should wake her I type faster hoping just to get out a few paragraphs because this is the point of this session. Do I let her sleep too much?

Today she turns two months old and she has changed immensely. Not only is she much larger she is much more engaged, much stronger, much more of a character. She talks to us in goo's and ooh's and snorts. She smiles and nearly laughs and is just beginning to pull my hair when I carry her around. And she sleeps well, maybe too well. Unlike so many other two month olds she is a champion sleeper just like her mom. Some mornings I'll wake at 9 am and find her still fast asleep beside me. Of course having Daddy in the restaurant biz and eating dinners often at 10 pm we have a much later schedule than most new families. Tessa has adapted well but this all doesn't mean she sleeps deeply through the whole night or that even when she is I do, hence the need for an occassional two hour nap. So like any new mother I have to question my tactics. Am I letting her sleep too much? The answer seemed obvious when she was newly born and she needed 18 hours a day to deal with this crazy, often overwhelming world. But now?

I worry that like I've failed to keep her entertained, that perhaps she's bored and so she sleeps. Or, that worse of all, I'm trying to get her to sleep so that I can get other things done. I'm a list person so at the end of the day I have tasks and chores checked off. I like to be able to see what I've just accomplished immediately like a clean fridge, or bags of organized, outgrown baby clothes. I want to be super stay-at-home mom. I'm coming to terms with the fact that that means no lists. Tessa is not a chore I can mark off. I might not be able to say what I've done for her at the end of everyday but whatever it is I'm sure its more important than dog hair-free floors.

So, I've woken her up. We've walked around town in the dark and just now we danced to Lets Give Them Something To Talk About. I'm not a slacker mom I know, I love my daughter with everything in me... I'm just learning how to love her in the way she needs me to.