Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired

Finally, my folks and brothers know. I feel like it's really really happening now. Although after the words came out of my mouth - well, actually the words out of my laughing mouth were "what are you all doing next august?" before I had to cover my face with my napkin - both Mom and Dad almost cried. I knew Mom would but Dad surprised me. He really kind of let it out. It was sweet, they had absolutely no idea. I was so sick from the long car ride to the restaurant I could barely stand up and I thought they had to know. But no, complete surprise. Yeah! So, I spent the whole night being pampered and having my head petted and water brought to me. I thought hey why not. It was a way of celebrating and talking about it and I haven't been able to do that yet. It didn't turn into a baby shopping spree thing either which I was happy about. We've got plenty of time to do all that.

It's strange but I'm feeling all the symptoms and I know I'm pregnant and I know what that means but... I still don't really believe there'll be a baby here in a 7 1/2 months. It doesn't seem possible to me. That freaks me out a little. I can't cope with it yet. I guess that's why we get 9 months, huh? To watch ourselves grow and force the reality into our brains every second of that time.

Hoo, well. I'm sick of writing about it aren't you sick of hearing about it? How are you? Seen any good movies? Thought any great thoughts? Found this place thru Margaret's site. It's very cool. I can't get enough of it. I want to see hundreds more. I've become a secret junkie. It makes me want to have more secrets than I do so I could come up with all sorts of creative ways to let them out. Years ago that may have worked but husband has been my own random mailbox in Maryland for most of them. I'm sure I must have at least one little dark something left...

Preggy Waitress Rant

Oh it's hit me now. The exhaustion, the nausea, the inane moodswings (although husband might say that's been around for a while). Yesterday it hurt to move, to eat, to think about moving and eating. Today I forced myself to eat a bigger, healthier breakfast and I'm not relying on the restaurant's staff meal tonight for dinner(last night's was meat pie... um, no thanks). I must say I do feel better. More energetic, less like I want to curl up on the floor and sleep the next 8 months away. I actually created a makeshift bed behind the bread station last night out of three chairs. I felt ridiculous so I begged my coworkers and the chef to "let me go! please! please! for god's sake let me go!" I was too pathetic to ignore so I was on my way home in minutes. Couldn't sleep (of course, it's night time why would my body let me sleep when it's actually night time?) so I watched 3 episodes of Law & Order SVU. It's so sick and twisted and addictive. It's one of the worst habits I have to quit before having children. I generally hate TV but there's something about that 'dun dun' between every scene that's got me hooked.

Oh, I don't know if it's the anxiousness I'm feeling to tell my mom or if it's just plain morning sickness that's making me queasy but I must go lay down for twenty minutes before I head out to wait on more unassuming patrons. Next time you leave a 12% tip on the table (because what's the difference of a dollar or two, you like to keep your checkbook round) for that sweet but tired looking waitress think - oh, maybe she's trying to make money for something more than skittles. Yup, she's full o' baby and running her growing ass off for your hot water with lemon you need right away. Sorry, must nap before Mrs. Hyde comes out.

Feverish blathering

So this is it. The rest of my life.... Or months 6 to 11 from now. At home while husband is at work, eating sauteed kale and baked tofu with nutritional yeast and Bragg's, listening to Marketplace on NPR and quieting dog from barking at her reflection. Oh! And keeping up to the second track of threads on mothering.com. A new obsession which, while I completely feel like I have a million invisible new friends all ready to offer suggestions out there I have developed the unhealthy habit of reading the Help! posts. There I become sucked into some poor mamma's horrific story of doctor visit gone bad, gut feeling something is wrong or miscarriage. I sit crying to my computer screen, completely helpless and disconnected from this suffering woman. Till I come up with some worry of my own... why am I not really all that nauseous yet? what's that menstrual like cramping on my right? why do I feel feverish? Mantra: I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. And so is baby who, ready or not, will be here in approx. 8 months from now. Now that makes me nervous! Jeezum Crow.
What will make all of this completely real is telling our parents. I was the one who wanted to drive down the day after the we got the positive results and surprise Mom and Dad. Now, I kind of want to put it off till after the first doctor's appointment next Tuesday and the ultrasound on Thursday. Just to make sure I haven't forced my body into tricking my mind that I'm pregnant. (Now that's paranoid, I don't even trust myself!) No, I know this is all real. I feel like once we start telling people (real, off the internet people we know) we're going to be rocketed through time and I'll end up naked on a table with people around me screaming, "push!" Yup, the stuff of science fiction movies. I'm in 'em.
For now, before anyone really knows I'll sit and suffer with this cold and chase dirty dog as she steals my used tissues. Wait! Here comes the nausea... good job Bragg's. Eck.

Big Things To Come

Can I tell you?

You! You wonderfully anonymous figure out there. I must tell you this now. This never uttered before news. (well i told my husband first but that's it, i swear) Just this last night, less than 19 hours ago, I found out something truly amazing. Do you know what that is? There is something going on here, in this town, actually, in this very house at this very moment. Nobody around here knows, shhh. There is some strange and secret stirring deep in the dark, red recesses of my very body. A tiny person in growing! Did you get that?! Astonishing!!

Well, it's astonishing and amazing and incredible news to me as well as my family and friends I'm sure. I just can't tell them yet. Why? Because I live in the faraway land of the Northeast Queendom. A day trip away to all I know and love. And a drive that must be planned and coordinated ahead of time. Why do we live here you ask? Ah, that tale is for another time.

For now..... I'M FREAKING PREGNANT!!!!

This is good news I assure you. Not that previously refered to husband and myself are in an ideal situation but who's really in the ideal situation? No one...exactly. We're ready emotionally and psychologically, we think. We have a nice, old house with enough room and a sweet, crazy, overly friendly dog. We're both in the restaurant business which has its pros and cons.
Pro: Flexible hours.
Con: I will be running my ass off serving people till my belly ends up in some one's $22 entree.

I feel like I can breathe now, thank you. This kind of venting feels more fulfilling at this time than my usual journaling. My secret is out on the internet!

So, day one of conscious expecting. So far, so good. Boobs are tender and belly's upset - but that's nothing new. When husband 0' mine gets home we'll celebrate with fish tacos and a movie. For now, I search the web for information and obsess.