Feverish blathering

So this is it. The rest of my life.... Or months 6 to 11 from now. At home while husband is at work, eating sauteed kale and baked tofu with nutritional yeast and Bragg's, listening to Marketplace on NPR and quieting dog from barking at her reflection. Oh! And keeping up to the second track of threads on mothering.com. A new obsession which, while I completely feel like I have a million invisible new friends all ready to offer suggestions out there I have developed the unhealthy habit of reading the Help! posts. There I become sucked into some poor mamma's horrific story of doctor visit gone bad, gut feeling something is wrong or miscarriage. I sit crying to my computer screen, completely helpless and disconnected from this suffering woman. Till I come up with some worry of my own... why am I not really all that nauseous yet? what's that menstrual like cramping on my right? why do I feel feverish? Mantra: I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. And so is baby who, ready or not, will be here in approx. 8 months from now. Now that makes me nervous! Jeezum Crow.
What will make all of this completely real is telling our parents. I was the one who wanted to drive down the day after the we got the positive results and surprise Mom and Dad. Now, I kind of want to put it off till after the first doctor's appointment next Tuesday and the ultrasound on Thursday. Just to make sure I haven't forced my body into tricking my mind that I'm pregnant. (Now that's paranoid, I don't even trust myself!) No, I know this is all real. I feel like once we start telling people (real, off the internet people we know) we're going to be rocketed through time and I'll end up naked on a table with people around me screaming, "push!" Yup, the stuff of science fiction movies. I'm in 'em.
For now, before anyone really knows I'll sit and suffer with this cold and chase dirty dog as she steals my used tissues. Wait! Here comes the nausea... good job Bragg's. Eck.

Big Things To Come

Can I tell you?

You! You wonderfully anonymous figure out there. I must tell you this now. This never uttered before news. (well i told my husband first but that's it, i swear) Just this last night, less than 19 hours ago, I found out something truly amazing. Do you know what that is? There is something going on here, in this town, actually, in this very house at this very moment. Nobody around here knows, shhh. There is some strange and secret stirring deep in the dark, red recesses of my very body. A tiny person in growing! Did you get that?! Astonishing!!

Well, it's astonishing and amazing and incredible news to me as well as my family and friends I'm sure. I just can't tell them yet. Why? Because I live in the faraway land of the Northeast Queendom. A day trip away to all I know and love. And a drive that must be planned and coordinated ahead of time. Why do we live here you ask? Ah, that tale is for another time.

For now..... I'M FREAKING PREGNANT!!!!

This is good news I assure you. Not that previously refered to husband and myself are in an ideal situation but who's really in the ideal situation? No one...exactly. We're ready emotionally and psychologically, we think. We have a nice, old house with enough room and a sweet, crazy, overly friendly dog. We're both in the restaurant business which has its pros and cons.
Pro: Flexible hours.
Con: I will be running my ass off serving people till my belly ends up in some one's $22 entree.

I feel like I can breathe now, thank you. This kind of venting feels more fulfilling at this time than my usual journaling. My secret is out on the internet!

So, day one of conscious expecting. So far, so good. Boobs are tender and belly's upset - but that's nothing new. When husband 0' mine gets home we'll celebrate with fish tacos and a movie. For now, I search the web for information and obsess.