So last night was my second night back to work. It was ... nice. I'm not really in any big rush to get out of the house but I wasn't dreading it by any means either. It felt good to make a little money and to get out and be social. Although I was tempted to tell all my tables that I had a beautiful 11 week old daughter at home waiting for me I held back. For a few hours, to a handfull of strangers I was just a young woman bringing them their food and drink. Not a nervous, new mother. Not a wife. Not caretaker of crazy dog. Just an anonymous, efficient waitress.
I missed Tess while I was gone for all of four hours. I managed to call home three times and check in on the situation which was not going as smoothly as we might have liked. Jason did it though. He made it. I got home and Tessa was crying. I could hear her from outside the front door. Jason, bless him, had been struggling for some time and here I was at last to relieve him of his duties. He made a run for the kitchen to whip up a fabulous meal. I picked her up and, like the troublemaking jokester I can already see her becoming, she looked at her daddy and flashed one big, sneaky smile. Jason looked bewildered.
I had almost started to worry that she wasn't relient upon me enough. That she went to everyone else almost too easily. She fell asleep on my grandmother, my father, my mother, everyone. She smiled at strangers and let anyone pick her up. I was scared I was making her too independant. I wanted that look to me for reassurance. That tighter hold on my neck. Last night was really the first time I felt like she really wanted me to hold her, not just to be held. Of course, I want others to be able to watch her without much trouble and they will. Tuesday daddy-daughter nights will get smoother and visits from grandmas on saturdays will be exciting for everyone but it will all take time. No one will be able to understand her needs quite as well as I do but that is the sweet part of being a mother. Being needed is hard but my god it feels good. 
2 comments:
She is soooo beautiful. I really miss seeing her....and all of you of course....but I have one question...how come in the year and a half that we have lived here you have NEVER slept over and now we go away and you want to stay here....do we scare you?
Your blog is beautifully written--you make me re-experience those days when my son (now almost 11 months old) was a little baby, too. I especially liked the part where you talked about "breathing her in."
She is a gorgeous baby!
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