Back to Work

So last night was my second night back to work. It was ... nice. I'm not really in any big rush to get out of the house but I wasn't dreading it by any means either. It felt good to make a little money and to get out and be social. Although I was tempted to tell all my tables that I had a beautiful 11 week old daughter at home waiting for me I held back. For a few hours, to a handfull of strangers I was just a young woman bringing them their food and drink. Not a nervous, new mother. Not a wife. Not caretaker of crazy dog. Just an anonymous, efficient waitress.

I missed Tess while I was gone for all of four hours. I managed to call home three times and check in on the situation which was not going as smoothly as we might have liked. Jason did it though. He made it. I got home and Tessa was crying. I could hear her from outside the front door. Jason, bless him, had been struggling for some time and here I was at last to relieve him of his duties. He made a run for the kitchen to whip up a fabulous meal. I picked her up and, like the troublemaking jokester I can already see her becoming, she looked at her daddy and flashed one big, sneaky smile. Jason looked bewildered.

I had almost started to worry that she wasn't relient upon me enough. That she went to everyone else almost too easily. She fell asleep on my grandmother, my father, my mother, everyone. She smiled at strangers and let anyone pick her up. I was scared I was making her too independant. I wanted that look to me for reassurance. That tighter hold on my neck. Last night was really the first time I felt like she really wanted me to hold her, not just to be held. Of course, I want others to be able to watch her without much trouble and they will. Tuesday daddy-daughter nights will get smoother and visits from grandmas on saturdays will be exciting for everyone but it will all take time. No one will be able to understand her needs quite as well as I do but that is the sweet part of being a mother. Being needed is hard but my god it feels good.

Super or Slacker SAHM

At the moment I am sitting up in our bedroom with Tessa laying across a pillow on my lap. She is sleeping. Again. She had just woken up from a three hour nap (I have to admit I took part in nearly 2/3 of that nap) and as I began to nurse her she drifted off again. Now typing over her I can feel her stir slightly and although I know I should wake her I type faster hoping just to get out a few paragraphs because this is the point of this session. Do I let her sleep too much?

Today she turns two months old and she has changed immensely. Not only is she much larger she is much more engaged, much stronger, much more of a character. She talks to us in goo's and ooh's and snorts. She smiles and nearly laughs and is just beginning to pull my hair when I carry her around. And she sleeps well, maybe too well. Unlike so many other two month olds she is a champion sleeper just like her mom. Some mornings I'll wake at 9 am and find her still fast asleep beside me. Of course having Daddy in the restaurant biz and eating dinners often at 10 pm we have a much later schedule than most new families. Tessa has adapted well but this all doesn't mean she sleeps deeply through the whole night or that even when she is I do, hence the need for an occassional two hour nap. So like any new mother I have to question my tactics. Am I letting her sleep too much? The answer seemed obvious when she was newly born and she needed 18 hours a day to deal with this crazy, often overwhelming world. But now?

I worry that like I've failed to keep her entertained, that perhaps she's bored and so she sleeps. Or, that worse of all, I'm trying to get her to sleep so that I can get other things done. I'm a list person so at the end of the day I have tasks and chores checked off. I like to be able to see what I've just accomplished immediately like a clean fridge, or bags of organized, outgrown baby clothes. I want to be super stay-at-home mom. I'm coming to terms with the fact that that means no lists. Tessa is not a chore I can mark off. I might not be able to say what I've done for her at the end of everyday but whatever it is I'm sure its more important than dog hair-free floors.

So, I've woken her up. We've walked around town in the dark and just now we danced to Lets Give Them Something To Talk About. I'm not a slacker mom I know, I love my daughter with everything in me... I'm just learning how to love her in the way she needs me to.

Forget about it...

So, I've given up already. I can't possibly keep up with posting every week. It's just impossible. Tessa has already turned six weeks old!!! It's absolutely ridiculous how quickly the days and weeks are passing. With that comes our rapid adjustment to this new life. Suddenly, Tessa is just here. We are a family and that's that. Since she's become just one of us we've slowed the picture taking down quite a bit. Don't get me wrong she's nothing short of the most perfect being in the universe and we're still trying to record all of her little, miraculous changes, we just can't spend entire days camera in hand ready to shoot. Laundry needs to be done, dishes washed, groceries bought, Percy walked, bills sent out and Tessa needs to be nursed and changed and nursed again. Already I can't imagine what my life was before her. Certainly not before I was pregnant with her! And I think to myself, I must've known it was her. I just know her too well. There was obviously a much deeper relationship forming than I could've ever even realized when she was inside of me.
So forget the week by week photo journal. Hopefully, we'll be able to catch lots and lots of great moments on film and they'll help remind us years from now how perfectly romantic this time in our lives was. I do know there'll be hundreds of moments that flash by too quick for the shutter to catch and those moments will just have to be burned into our memories. Like this one right now... Tessa two feet away, cooing and ga-ing to herself in her bassinette, struggling to keep her heavy lids open to stare at the sunlight reflecting off the ceiling for another moment, finally falling asleep to the tapping of these keys.

Catching Up....Week Three

It was my first week home alone with Tessa. I was feeling pretty good about it and since I had great meals ready to go in my fridge and freezer, had been getting a decent amount of sleep and really felt a great bond with Tessa already. I knew we'd be fine, just the two of us. And we were! So when the weekend came I felt confident enough for our new family to take a little trip to Burlington. We spent a leisurely afternoon at the dog park trying to make up for all the attention Percy's not receiving lately. She loved us for it. That night we ordered Leonardo's pizza (an old favorite) and drove to the in-law's incredible house on the lake. They were out of town (in Prague no less) so we made ourselves at home. (Thank you Joan and David!!) Auntie Sue, cousin Lukas and unkle Evan came out to see us the next day. It was a wonderful weekend even though Percy managed to poison herself, lock herself in the car and get stuck with porcipine quills .

catching up... Week Two

Mom came up to see her first grandchild (and take care of me too). They got along smashingly - look they even coordinated their outfits!

Tessa with her two great grandmas!!

We got to do some relaxing in the yard after everyone left.

We even took a day trip to Montpelier! Here we are resting up at the park.

catching up... Week One

The night I went into labor (about 24 hours before Tessa was born)...

Pizza dinner and a Hoegaarden to calm the nerves. I had no idea what was coming to me.


Our first dinner home with little girl. Same house, same setup just add a brand new perfect person, bunches of beautiful flowers, a little less sleep and a new meaning to the word happiness.
We had salad compliments of Elements and an amazing creamy pesto pasta dish by Chef Jason. Tessa had a very local unpasteurized breast milk she seemed to enjoy.

The first few nights were pretty hard; an hour sleeping, an hour nursing but we had a very pleasant first few days at home just the three of us (well, four, sorry Percy). Jason made fabulous dinners and waited on me hand and foot. Umm, honey? Could you go down to Brooks and get me that nipple cream? Thanks.....

Then outside help arrived! We got some good support from people who know. Tessa's aunt and uncle relieved our fears and brought us good nourishment while her big cousin Lukas kept an eye on her at the Littleton farmer's market. It was our first big trip out into the world as a family and all went smoothly until I discovered her diaper rash and lost my mind thinking I was the Worst Mother in the World already.



Granny J took her shift and cooked and cleaned and cooked some more. Good times were had by all as the celebration continued on. We were excited to introduce Tessa into this good world by surrounding her with family, friends, good tunes and of course the fragrance of great food.

these days...

Life is just flying by. In a good but bittersweet way. In an incredibly beautiful way that time has never passed for me before but already with a hint of longing for these minutes to stretch just a little further. It's 2 pm. So far today I've managed to take a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast and mow about 10 square feet of lawn. Just add nurse and change Tess in between each one of those basic daily tasks and you have my past three hours. And I love it. I have books and magazines piled up to read during the hours a day I spend feeding her but I've yet to finish one article. I just stare and stare knowing I'm witnessing her grow and change without being able to understand or really see it. Writing just this has taken 42 minutes already. She's been on my lap as I rock her and type a sentence one handed then break to breathe her in for a few minutes more.

So, as well intentioned as I am to continue internet journaling this time with her it's going to take me a while. I haven't even started to write down her birth story and it's been over two weeks! This might turn into more of a week by week photo journal. Just one way to try and track these days I'm reluctantly letting go by.